You can’t deny your passion, nor your destiny…

I gave up this game. I really did. I did it for 2 people. My ex, and almighty God. But it was never a decision for myself. I loved this game. It defined me. It was a part of me, like a marriage, like a love so true that you could never fathom. When I was a teen, I could play for hours non-stop. When I turned 21, I could play the game for an entire day. And those days when I played… I knew what meaning was. I knew what life was. I enjoyed every second of it. But since the first day I got attached… she wanted me to give it up. I was distraught… and I sold everything. I stopped. That was in 2005. I was broke, jobless, and it wasn’t practical to keep my cues anymore. My playing cue and break jump cue were the best pieces I’ve ever owned. Just like how a japanese chef had best knives to slice sashimi. I think I probably shedded tears when I had to part with them. It hurt. It really did.

After a year, I had a more stable job, and could afford a entirely new set. I did get that set, but…. that had to go too… cos God needed me to prove something to Him… to prove that He was still more important, that He was number one. It was really hard for me. But the fact about life is that things will only belong to you if it was meant to be your’s. During that time, I was so busy that I didn’t have time for the game at all, and the case had already collected dust. It was true. No matter how hard you want to keep something but doesn’t belong to you, you’ll eventually need to give it up. I did just that. And I felt relieved that I did it. I gave up the game. I really did. And I gave up my relationship along with it too. It just wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t imagine being married to a woman who had nothing but endless needs to fulfill.

But afterward… I really didn’t know what to do with my life. Sure… career advancement, get good salary, meet a nicer girl, get a house, buy a car, settle down, lead a peaceful life. But really… all these things just don’t bring me peace… money bought security, but another girlfriend? After my past relationship, I really wonder why women want to get married. I started to wonder why would I wanna be in a relationship for the sake of it, or being married for the sake of it. Its just sick. I cannot possibly do it. And I didn’t meet any girl who knew me… who knew what its like to truly love a sport. No I haven’t given up dating for pool, but I can’t go through what I did with my ex again despite the fact that it was necessary for me to learn that pool isn’t everything.

It felt so strange to not play pool. The psp couldn’t replace the void. I tried watching lots of tv and serials to pass time… but still… that didn’t make life any nicer or more interesting. Everything else remained the same… there wasn’t any type of progress outside my work. I’d not gone to church for awhile due to my exams, and studying for exams and listening to sermons just didn’t make me feel any smarter or more accomplished. Because everyone else was doing it. It just defined what the world was about… but it couldn’t define what I was about. Society wasn’t going to allow me that freedom to express art and technical ability and practice those abilities. Pool, did more than allow me to express my creativity and technical skills… it brought me the purest of joy and freedom. After playing for over 10 years, I still experience that same joy and freedom everytime I play.

When was the last time you did something for a decade, and enjoyed every single moment of it? Why does a person’s life have to be determined by the environment, why can’t it be the other way? Seriously this country’s fate is determined by others, and hardly by it’s own people. At least… let me have a say, let me have my way. At least, let me have my dignity.

I love Crayfish.

Heard of the miracle where Jesus multiplied the 5 loaves and 2 fish to feed 5000 people?

Well… this isn’t really a miracle… its really insanity.

 It started off with this…

after a few days… it became this…

JESUS CHRIST!

Top pic- Monday 21 May 2007. Pasir Panjang hawker centre. The crayfish was fresh. But the chef overcooked them. Result was dryness of cos. *faint* dunno the name of the stall but its the biggest one selling seafood.
Ordered – Black pepper crayfish, La La (different stall). Rice. (2 dishes)

Bottom pic- Friday 25 May 2007. Same place. Different stall. Lucky BBQ seafood. The chef is better. Crayfish is springy and juicy. Tried their recipe of butter crayfish. Its nice. They are really good with chilli quite frankly. Food was very fragrant.  
Ordered – (bloody hell can’t remember) Black pepper crayfish. Gong Gong (damn fresh). Lala. Mussels. Dunno what vegetable. Butter crayfish (fried). Satay (mutton, chicken, beef stomach). Egg oysters. Rice. (8 dishes) Somemore only 4 pple eating. The lamb chop was Lexandria’s… and it was damn power.

I’ll give Lucky BBQ seafood 4 out of 5. The place is just too hot and stuffy to give 4.5 or 5.

There’s always a price to pay

Honestly, I’ve hardly studied for Commercial Law and Principles of Accounting. I might fail these 2 subjects. But the stress level has gone down, and for some reason it feels that I’m in more control. I know this comes at a price, but its a price that I should and can afford. After all I’m just getting this degree for the sake of open doors in the future. I can feel that my body is deteriorating. I never got sick so often in my life. What’s life when you can’t even be happy with it and stressing out every bloody single day. What’s there to paper qualifications and top salaries when you aren’t even doing what makes you happy, or what’s right for you? It sucks to keep up with the pace of the world. The idea that you’re always gonna lose. The Kiasu Singaporean. Yeah… I realized that’s what I’ve been for the past few years. Get a good job, fall helplessly in love, buy flat have kids buy car end of story. God, I am an idiot.

Was at my grandma’s place last Sunday on Mother’s day. Aunt came. Talked about cousins. 1 just graduated from JC with straight ‘A’s, trying to get into medical school amongst 2000 other people who got straight ‘A’s. Another cousin’s graduated in Chicago, and working in New York now. Another cousin’s studying a double degree in the University of Toronto doing law…. no i’m not jealous. Wonder how my parents felt when she said about how great the other people in the family are doing. Asked me how I was doing… asked about my job. I got irritated when I saw her face squirm and frown. The words “you’re a loser” was written all over her face. No, I dun hate myself. I was just pissed. Yeah, pissed at my mum’s sister. If I was witty enough I’d have thrown a couple of lines to throw her off balance. And I’m supposed to be an even-tempered mr nice guy. Which of course I so valiantly stuck to by smiling and removing eye contact.

Got approached by prudential agent on my way back. She was real good at chatting up to get me to sit down and interest me with CPF investments that I was already interested in. But I realized that I didn’t like her. Why? Cos she’s just so damn good that its as though I will actually get a plan from her. Have no idea whether to feel irritated or pleasantly surprised. Yeah we choose how to feel. Yet at times we don’t. And by the way… she asked if I was married or single and what type of girl I like and why I’m not married. Strangely I wasn’t pissed but amused. So was it really her skill or am I just so darn easy to read. Ok… being the idiot I’m probably the latter. K…. I’ll probably not buy from her.

Decided to drop accounts this year. RN was right from the start. I should’ve just taken it slow… 2-3 subjects a year. Might not have saved time, but sure would save a lot of money. Always a price to pay they say… always applicable to capitalist societies. I think I already regret taking the full load… its bitter sweet knowing that you’ve not regretted most of the things you did, but regretting for just 1 big thing. Well, thankfully I don’t whine.

Its my 27th birthday on Saturday. Going to meet up with RN, Lex, KM, princess, FS for some food and entertainment. At least when things aren’t so good, there’re still some good things to look forward to. When I think of age, I think about how we label stuff to age. e.g. 10 year olds discover their sexuality, 17 year olds punch bus drivers, 20 year olds may still take money from parents, 27 year olds… i dunno. I have a job and no girlfriend and no degree. And yes I still sound like an ass-blowing kiasu Singaporean.

Am I pissed off with God? I dun think so… I’ve been finding that God is starting to become a blur rather than a definitive source of truth. Am I backsliding? Even the holiest of people struggled with humanity… not to mention holy but not so holy people. Maybe I watch too much tv. But as the mind progresses/deteriorates (depending on how u look at it), battles don’t just involve things that bring you down… but it also involves stuff that brings you up. Its the latter that can be complicated and tough to win. Is love over-rated? Well… I still like to believe that its not.

Life has been so messy

In school now and gathering myself for another few gruelling hours of Commercial Law. So far its one of those subjects that’s a lot more exciting. Was thinking about how my life has been the past 3 years since I started studying part time. There is progress definitely. But my brain has been all over the place… literally. One part work, one part studies, one part healthy lifestyle, and for short while in a relationship. Wah piang eh… si beh luan… At times I don’t even know what I’m doing or what I should be thinking. Sure, it seems interesting and even exciting… but seriously… would you ever really want to age that fast? Then again, if you enjoy it you’d probably look younger each day.

As this week draws to a close… I’m left with 6 days to prepare for 2 papers in 1 day, and next Monday I gotta go back to camp from 8-5pm for reservist ICT again. Applied for deferment but rejected simply because I’m a part time student and working full time. But should be able to steal lotsa time to mug in camp.

Went for a run yesterday. 17m 45s for 2.4km. Hell I run like an old man. After my exams gotta start working out again. Swim, run, badminton…. cardio cardio cardio… now you could use my tummy as an arm rest or a pillow even. Disgusting. Even I myself am revolted but in serious oblivious denial for sake of not having my brain worry about my health. I’ve eaten little fruits and vegetables, and have not gone for a cholestrol assessment/full body checkup. Dammit our health is important. Will friends who are reading this play more badminton with me when exams are over?

While I’m away at reservist, my poor colleague is gonna suffer my absence and help out with my company’s orders. She’s only just started working a few weeks, and already overloaded with crap. I seriously feel for her, yet I have to be away. But really, I’m damn lucky that she’s not cursing behind my back, in fact she’s doing the best she can. I don’t expect the rest of the sales team to harp on her and stress her too much. Hopefully she’ll manage the week and get by. Thank God the work attitude of the people here is good. We were supposed to be shifting our stuff to our new desks after renovation was done a week ago… have been so busy till now that not 1 stapler has been moved to the new sitting position. That’s how busy we are… and I do my utmost best not to complain because while we’re busy means business is ok and we get to keep our jobs and take home our salary.

My degree has already been taken out of the programme by SIM, so we’re the last batch of students who’re gonna graduate with Management with Law. Frankly, although it sounds pretty impressive, its probably got the most idiotic and anal probing structure for a degree. Yes thank God you’re not taking it. Then again you gotta look on the bright side of idiotic and anal probing. Am I not being objective here?

Responsibility above passion

Was talking to dweller last night on msn, haven’t met him for a couple of years. Always been a really good pal to talk to. As usual with “long time no see” friends, asked how’s life etc etc… and came to this conversation about the future. What it means to us people here, then came the topic about passion. Haven’t you ever asked what your passion is… and whether it would lead to anything? Reminded me about my passion for pool as well.

Sadly, its true that in Singapore, certain passions don’t really bring about much practicality. You have to believe that most of us who live and breathe the air here, are people who put money as a very high priority. So… does that mean we give up our passions altogether? Some do, some don’t. And those who do give up their passions to pursue responsibilities, more than often regain the chance to go back to their passion. But I guess in other countries its a lot more possible…

Dweller shared with me this saying from one of his older, successful friends, “Passion is to indulge, after responsibility is fulfilled.” And I couldn’t agree with him more. It’d be so much wiser, to earn the ability to indulge in passion, then we can indulge without any other worry. Have to admit that this truth holds a lot of strength indeed.

Which Super Hero am I?

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 90% Batman 80% Green Lantern 70% Robin 55% Supergirl 52% Catwoman 45% Iron Man 45% Hulk 40% The Flash 40% Wonder Woman 32% Spider-Man 25%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the “Which Superhero am I?” quiz…

Which Super Villain am I?

Your results:
You are Venom

Venom 51% Mr. Freeze 51% The Joker 43% Dr. Doom 32% Two-Face 32% Catwoman 31% Apocalypse 29% Mystique 28% Green Goblin 28% Dark Phoenix 26% Lex Luthor 24% Juggernaut 24% Kingpin 22% Poison Ivy 21% Magneto 19% Riddler 18%

Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons.

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

Love your enemies

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back.”

“But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and you reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” And He spoke a parable to them: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not fall into the ditch? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is perfectly trained will be like his teacher. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.”

(Know where I got this from?)