There’s always a price to pay

Honestly, I’ve hardly studied for Commercial Law and Principles of Accounting. I might fail these 2 subjects. But the stress level has gone down, and for some reason it feels that I’m in more control. I know this comes at a price, but its a price that I should and can afford. After all I’m just getting this degree for the sake of open doors in the future. I can feel that my body is deteriorating. I never got sick so often in my life. What’s life when you can’t even be happy with it and stressing out every bloody single day. What’s there to paper qualifications and top salaries when you aren’t even doing what makes you happy, or what’s right for you? It sucks to keep up with the pace of the world. The idea that you’re always gonna lose. The Kiasu Singaporean. Yeah… I realized that’s what I’ve been for the past few years. Get a good job, fall helplessly in love, buy flat have kids buy car end of story. God, I am an idiot.

Was at my grandma’s place last Sunday on Mother’s day. Aunt came. Talked about cousins. 1 just graduated from JC with straight ‘A’s, trying to get into medical school amongst 2000 other people who got straight ‘A’s. Another cousin’s graduated in Chicago, and working in New York now. Another cousin’s studying a double degree in the University of Toronto doing law…. no i’m not jealous. Wonder how my parents felt when she said about how great the other people in the family are doing. Asked me how I was doing… asked about my job. I got irritated when I saw her face squirm and frown. The words “you’re a loser” was written all over her face. No, I dun hate myself. I was just pissed. Yeah, pissed at my mum’s sister. If I was witty enough I’d have thrown a couple of lines to throw her off balance. And I’m supposed to be an even-tempered mr nice guy. Which of course I so valiantly stuck to by smiling and removing eye contact.

Got approached by prudential agent on my way back. She was real good at chatting up to get me to sit down and interest me with CPF investments that I was already interested in. But I realized that I didn’t like her. Why? Cos she’s just so damn good that its as though I will actually get a plan from her. Have no idea whether to feel irritated or pleasantly surprised. Yeah we choose how to feel. Yet at times we don’t. And by the way… she asked if I was married or single and what type of girl I like and why I’m not married. Strangely I wasn’t pissed but amused. So was it really her skill or am I just so darn easy to read. Ok… being the idiot I’m probably the latter. K…. I’ll probably not buy from her.

Decided to drop accounts this year. RN was right from the start. I should’ve just taken it slow… 2-3 subjects a year. Might not have saved time, but sure would save a lot of money. Always a price to pay they say… always applicable to capitalist societies. I think I already regret taking the full load… its bitter sweet knowing that you’ve not regretted most of the things you did, but regretting for just 1 big thing. Well, thankfully I don’t whine.

Its my 27th birthday on Saturday. Going to meet up with RN, Lex, KM, princess, FS for some food and entertainment. At least when things aren’t so good, there’re still some good things to look forward to. When I think of age, I think about how we label stuff to age. e.g. 10 year olds discover their sexuality, 17 year olds punch bus drivers, 20 year olds may still take money from parents, 27 year olds… i dunno. I have a job and no girlfriend and no degree. And yes I still sound like an ass-blowing kiasu Singaporean.

Am I pissed off with God? I dun think so… I’ve been finding that God is starting to become a blur rather than a definitive source of truth. Am I backsliding? Even the holiest of people struggled with humanity… not to mention holy but not so holy people. Maybe I watch too much tv. But as the mind progresses/deteriorates (depending on how u look at it), battles don’t just involve things that bring you down… but it also involves stuff that brings you up. Its the latter that can be complicated and tough to win. Is love over-rated? Well… I still like to believe that its not.