You control your fate…

I just read my ex’s blog. Apparently she has made the effort to keep in touch by taking down this new blog address. And yes, absolutely saddened and disappointed about what I wrote about her and about marriage in my previous post. Sigh… in self defence i mentioned I couldn’t imagine being with a woman who had endless emotional needs. I probably should have added “women in general”, just typed too fast and end up hurt someone feelings unintentionally now. Didn’t even give her this new blog address… if u read her blog u’d think I have taken a cheap shot. Sigh… also dunno what to do now…

Going to take my degree in a much slower pace now. Just 2 subjects for the coming year. I’m just too drained. I’m not worried about the pace of Singapore now. I’m just worried about my health. Life isn’t about making a living… its about making a life. 3-4 subjects = no life. Might as well take it slow and get the degree later. At least I should be able to afford my own course fees now…

Been thinking about whether I ought to continue being in City Harvest Church. Well… I did say that I was going to stay for awhile. But its important that my vision and life purpose is synonymous with the teachings. I wonder if the church, or my CG members are going to be willing to accept my passions and my train of thought. I come to realize after 17 years of being a christian… my faith was just another thing that my mum passed down when I was a kid. Guess the pastors and priests were always right… lotsa problems come from within the church in dealing with people like me… who just don’t have that aptitude for being a living word of God. Honestly… CHC’s pace is astounding. Its just one message after another… one mission after another… on and on and on… seriously… either the members are extremely spiritually powerful or living in complete denial of himself… perhaps even both. After all the idea is to expel the flesh and live in the spirit… thinking about being a member of the church requires a person to be almost fully transformed… its incredibly miraculous for it to happen, because it really takes so much dedication and determination. Or does it? Because when u live in the spirit, strength that comes from God is so powerful that you won’t even feel tired. Wrong. Fact is you’re still a human being living in the world. You’ll eventually get tired and burn out once in awhile.

I’m burnt out by having to think about my future all the time. I realize that I’m just an average person. Meant to do extraordinary things but… extraordinary to whom? Doing something extraordinary to yourself, may just be looked at as something far less by another person. So who do you live for? Yourself or for the other person who judges you? I rather live for myself and be judged by God… than having to rely on other people’s judgement on whatever I do… cos no one else really can say what’s good or bad… for its already the truth that there’s no judge but God. Woe to those who criticise me for who I am, because they will eventually be judged themselves… I’m just trying to live out my life the way I know best.

Can’t picture myself getting married at this juncture. Can’t picture myself having kids. Can’t picture the house yet. The only picture that remains is shaking a hand that is about to pass me a degree cert, and another hand passing me a championship trophy… those are the main goals now….

Childish you say? I’m using my talents to achieve something, making the best of my talents and abilities. God knows best as to who I am. Others don’t. Its not everyone’s fate to buy a house by a certain age or get married and have kids at a certain age… but God gave us the freedom of choice. I just chose a path differing from many other people… i just don’t want to have any regrets in my life… and fulfill the vision i have, not a vision that someone else has.