What to focus on and what not to focus on…

I’m starting to wonder if my playing pool is actually leading me to become another different person. Perhaps even becoming more selfish and fussy about all sorts of things. I think about this because in the game, the slightest, nitty gritty factors can make you miss a shot, or lose position for the next shot. I wonder… do I treat people the same way as I treat the game, and as I’m writing to myself at this instance, people aren’t balls. People are people. Balls are just balls. Pool is just a game, and life is life. My new cue is not my new wife. A cue is a cue, and a wife is a wife.

At times when I just want to progress so much on something, I just end up trying to be smart by interelating subjects to come up with some nonsensical philosophical statement or conclusion, trying to justify why I did what I did… (normally happens when I do something wrong) And that’s a ridiculous and potentially irritating about me. And I’m getting irritated with myself because I can’t seem to do what’s right all the time. Funny thing is I don’t even think that I’m a perfectionist. I think perfectionists are just so anal about everything.

I’ve visited 2 cell groups so far… first one… quite frankly wasn’t really that suitable for me, I felt really old and was probably too judgemental about the cell group leader, and the 2nd one didn’t really feel that right for me either because the leader stressed a lot about growing the church and getting people saved, which yes is what the Bible and what God wants us to do… I just find it really hard to bring people into my church… and the funny thing is I’ve just been looking at my church parish rather negatively… even for the pastor… even for my fellow cell group leaders/friends. If I’m like that, how can I possibly get people to come? Another thing is, I don’t think that I’m even doing anything wrong here. Well, fine I’m not doing anything either. But seriously… like will you seriously come to my church? I mean… I really like to invite you guys to come but, its not like you plan to “change your faith” or “be unfaithful to your God” or even parents… You might even get irritated by me if I keep pushing you to come… and even if you do come… you’d probably be even more confused than you were previously about life and…. arrrghh… now this is probably the most emotional entry in this blog and yes this paragraph isn’t the least objective and I’m seriously ranting.

This has really been bothering me a lot. I don’t know why I just happened to be so critical about everything around at the moment, and thinking that situations ought to be better controlled and certain things ought/not be said/done in public. I realized that when I pick up the phone and maybe my mum or RN calls, after I hang up I realize that my tone of voice seems rather cold. They would think maybe something is wrong with my life, but there really isn’t anything major… so is there anything wrong here? I really don’t think there’s anything wrong here… and yet I feel bothered by nothing! Duh…

Ok perhaps I’m just going through that stupid mood swing again like some people go through… and its not helping that I lost concentration while playing with JL just now. I almost lost 7-0 if JL had not missed a cple of shots himself (still lost anyway). Despite being a little irritated by his form and experience, I’m thankful that he’s tells me that I’m not focused and other stuff to motivate me to change and improve. The way I’ve been playing is going downhill again now that I just switched cues… for some reason my mental strength wasn’t there, told JL that I was tired cos I travelled quite a bit during the day time but was rebutted that such things aren’t an excuse to loose your focus. During a tournament you must keep your concentration going no matter what otherwise you will just lose. That statement just made me feel like some sh*t player seriously, but that isn’t totally true, at least my stroke is still ok, but the fact of the matter is that I wasn’t really mentally strong today. And JL was right and I wish he wasn’t. hahaha…

Anyway, tomorrow will spar again and ”prayfully” play much better since I plan to rest up before going to play.

Just saw RN’s latest post and was seriously shocked that her brother broke off with his gf… and yes relationships can be just so…… difficult to understand and predict any outcomes. I can’t really say thank God that I’m single though… anyway relationships do toil and eventually crushes both parties… its really what both people choose to do after that happens and whether they are prepared for such challenges to stay together. And its just one of the toughest things to do in this world… no one ever wants to be in that difficult situation… it feels a hundred times worse than being snooked fully by another ball.

I actually wanted to write a lot more than this, I bought Olivia’s 2nd album and am yearning to rave about it, and also some stuff to share about the Guiness 9 ball quarterfinals that I spectated at Orchid Country Club 3 weeks ago. Hopefully I will be able to write more tomorrow.