The man… really doesn’t get it…

 To W and RN: You know me too well… u don’t have to read it… same goes for other readers…

I hate whining and complaining… its the last thing I want to do in life. Whining and complaining just doesn’t lead to anything… and I only get somewhere if I take action to invoke changes… so that I will not be tempted to whine and complain. Especially to other people.

I’ve been more focused at work, and forced myself not to let my emotions stray away. School has started, and I’m taking 3 subjects this year. Just went for 2 lessons and felt optimistic about the coming year. I’ve been trying not to be too distracted by things like when I’m going to meet that special someone, what I should do the coming weekend, who I should go out with this week… I just wanted to be alone… but I think everyone seems to be doing their own thing… and its the time where I gotta do my own thing… be more productive and waste less energy…

However, after reading LP’s entry, couldn’t help but realize that I am social being too. And yes we all need love. But it doesn’t seem like its the right time for me to experience it… loneliness did creep up on me for the past couple of weeks. I read Sumiko Tan’s article on the Sunday Times, in which she said that a woman still needs a partner (a man) to be complete. It’s funny… because I always get the idea that local women can be hard to please, or rather, hard to impress… but in the article, women can’t live a full life without someone to be there by their side… well… I wonder why? probably because all the nice men women meet are either already married, engaged, gay or refuse to tie any knot. The thing that upsets me is that I think I’m a nice man, but I’m neither married, engaged, gay nor refusing to tie the knot… so… that just indirectly means that I’m not such a nice man after all… well… now I’ve just made it personal. I wonder why women can’t live a full life without a companion, and I figured… well… they can’t stand people not listening to them, so its probably worse if there isn’t anyone around in the first place. At times… I really wonder whether my lady friends really enjoy spending time with me… perhaps they do… but on a scale of 1 to 10? I’ll bet maybe the truth will hurt… but really… why do I waste time bothering about that…

I don’t feel that confident about myself nowadays either. My closest friends would know that I wouldn’t blame anyone but myself for it… after all… its never really about other people. If we were to blame everything externally, there’d never be a way to solve our problems if we never admit responsibility for them. That’s why I’ve been trying to work harder, and trying to focus on the things that matter…

As a man, living in this modern and cosmopolitan society, where men and women share equal rights and equal opportunity… I can’t help but feel that its being tipped towards the ladies… cos “The Men Don’t Get It”… and I have to admit that I don’t get it… and the women always usually do. W, RN, ZY, SW, LS, SL, ZH,  are just so wise… in realizing that… I feel priviledged, and at the same time inferior. I can’t remember the occasions where I’ve made differences in their lives… although they have made such a huge difference in mine.

Even with my ex… I felt inferior from the start… so yeah that’s my problem. What’s the solution? Just don’t feel that way? Learn more and become wiser? I’m kinda trying to do both here… not to impress anyone, but just to make sure I don’t get sucked down by my inferiority complex. Do I need more compliments? Do I need more encouragement? If its out of pity I’d rather not… I don’t wanna be another weak man who doesn’t have any balls. But why seek pride at this point of time… is not humility a better option? well… this isn’t about humility, its about inferiority…

Do I seek truth and wisdom just to find myself a way out of my inferiority? Perhaps that’s true… perhaps that’s what makes me who I am. Its sad… cos then, I’d have lived a life out of fear… than that of purpose and passion. I know what it means to live as a good example… and I am just plain saddened, that I’ve not made big differences in other people’s lives till today… cos if I did… I’d probably have more friends.

In short, I just don’t get it. And I think that by being alone, I might feel less inferior… cos I wouldn’t have to listen to my lady friends “talk sense” into me… it’ll just re-assure the point that I’m making… that I’m a man who’s not destined to be as steady as a rock yet… despite being spurred to work harder and to improve… I wonder if any person, let alone a woman, be touched and spurred by what I do… fark lah… like i did anything that will spur pple on in the first place…

You can give without love, but you can never love without giving. I really want to give… but no one seems to want/need what I have to give… everyone seems to know what to do now…

Not even God needs me quite frankly… why would God ever need anyone? its the people who need God and not the other way round… Am I yearning to be needed by others? I’m in complete denial of that… maybe because of my male ego and stubborness to yield to the fact that I’m an emotional being and thus need a little TLC from a special someone.

Do I need a woman to make me complete? At this moment yeah I do… but that’s not how it works I guess… after all… for women today, love alone is not enough to make them feel secure. At times, its confusing as to whether women need love, or do they just need a man.

I. really. don’t. get. it.

Ah whatever… I’m just another single guy who doesn’t have a clue about anything. Only know that I’m just farking not good enough.