Aimless and full of doubt…

Its finally 2008… with what I thought was a bad start to the year being sick and all… Time really flies when you’re having fun, and I admit I’ve had lots of fun in 2007.

But then comes the crux of what really matters in this stage of my life. What achievements I’ve gotten and what goals to look forward to next. Again I’ve not spent much time planning 3-5 years ahead, other than the assurance of keeping my current job. However, even as it is, work is about to become a little more complex and challenging that it was before. People are going to expect more from you, and perhaps vice versa as well… which kind of bodes further risk for misunderstandings and lotsa bitching in the near future. Why? Because we always struggle to meet expectations due to our own differences, even though we’re actually after the same goal and destination.

Also, a number of people have gone ahead of me and graduated with their degrees and moved on with their life and career. At times, I will wonder why am I so slow… and I know all the reason too well.

Acceptance is a big part of life. It even determines your destiny and how you evolve as a person. I for one, think I have been too accepting towards many things in life, in the expense of being influential at times. I realized that you can either be an adaptive person, or, you can be an influential person. For the time being, I’m beginning to think that the latter has the greater power. Though of course, being adaptive has its own perks. I’d say I’ve been rather adaptive throughout most of my life… and now that I have think of ways and means to be more influential in my workplace, has caused some mental conflicts with how I deal with my life in general.

The roles we play in our lives, says a lot about who we are, and where we come from. In another few years, I’ll be in my 30s… and I think about what people are going to think about me when I’m 30. Does it really matter? Just how valuable are my representations? Because ultimately, when we communicate with others, we want to be listened to, and not have to listen all the time. When I reach that stage, I wonder… How am I going to face up to people, how am I going to earn the respect that I’ve given to people who deserve it. I’m no longer a person who has to be led… but a person who most probably has to show the way ahead for the younger generation.

To be studying part-time, is really such a toil… and I’m just doing it to ensure I have a brighter future ahead. However, I’m not really working as hard as many other individuals who make sure they pass everything. And it really simply shows how lazy and care-less I am about my future… perhaps mainly because I still don’t really have any passion to look forward to fulfill… perhaps I just don’t dream big enough, and maybe I get easily bogged down by all the negativity that’s been seeping through my emotional walls.

In short I’m in a pretty bad mood… and yes its probably because of the drugs I’m on to get well from this accursed virus. But I’ll be a lot better when this crap goes away.