I need to stop mind-f*cking myself…

Thanks W for that comment left behind. I have to agree that its just plain irritating when I see myself write a load of nonsensical and pointless description about how I feel. Its like I’ve got regular PMS dammit! I’m just very tempted to delete that post away…

TGIF, and I’ve not used the $100 Takashimaya voucher given to me by my boss since before my lasik surgery. I need a new wallet so I’ll probably use that to get one, and I also just applied for a Citibank account and my first credit card. Pray really hard that I won’t overuse or overspend… I’m getting it because it entitles to rebates off SMRT rides (buses and trains) and my Easilink card auto tops up whenever the value gets too low. Plus I got an account that gets up to 2% interest per annum if there’s a savings increase of min. $1 every month… which is pretty good incentive for me to save more.

Also did some calculations, and realized that I’ll have enough cash to fully pay for a car by the time I’m like 32… provided that I faithfully save a lump sum every month till then. As for whether I will really wanna get one… maybe if my salary increases by another 1/3 can seriously consider. Meeting up with financial planner in a cple of weeks… and torn whether to do own research and investment for my CPF by myself, or engage my planner to do it (involves more charges). I’ve up till end of this year to invest CPF otherwise the government will freeze my funds till it hits a minimum sum.

Sometime ago KM shared with me about treasury bills… and I started wondering if its a criminal offense to use my overdraft facility to buy treasury bills. Because with the extra cash, pretty much allows you take out more funds to generate higher returns… and T-bills seems to be rather stable and consistent growth. I admire KM for all that financial knowledge of markets (he’ll deny that he knows that much) and its spurring me to find out more about how to get that little help and boost from financial sectors to increase personal capital.

But first things first, have to pay back the recent loans from my dad by end of the year… recently he’s been working very very late. And its been going on for like a month non-stop. He even goes back Saturdays and Sundays for like the entire day, and on weekdays he works past 9pm… I’ve never seen my dad work such long hours in my entire life. Just really hope his company hires more people to cope with the new projects they got.

Everyone around me seems to be busy with their own lives… and the good thing about today was my colleague shared with me a passage about life at the start of the day… she had to sit for some test in church… anyway… the passage served a good reminder of how da hell I should use my brain…

If I could Live My Life Over Again

Life is like a box of chocolates. So says Forrest Gump.

How do you view life?

To Forrest Gump, life is like box of chocolates because “you never know what you’re gonna get.” His philosophy of life might have given the chocolate industry a great boost!

How do you view life?

Different ones have different metaphors for it. For some, life is like the sea: wild and restless. For others life is like a flower: beautiful but frail. Some view life as a party: “eat, drink and be merry”. Others view life as a curse to grin and bear with.

To me, life is like a pumpkin.

A story was told of a farmer who went to a county fair with his son. There they saw a most unusual pumpkin. It was the exact size and shape of a two-gallon jug. It won the blue ribbon in a pumpkin competition. Curious, the farmer asked the owner how he got the pumpkin to look like that.

“It was easy,” the owner said, “as soon as it started to grow, I stuck it inside a two-gallon jug. So it came to have the exact size and shape of the two-gallon jug.”

Life is like a pumpkin. Life conforms to what we stick it into. Indeed, how we live matters. Our life conforms to how we live it.

Thus, more important than how we view life is how we live it. (this was what woke me up from the abyss)

Many of us can be quite eloquent on how we view life but God is keen on how we live it. How then do you live life? A poster says: “We don’t determine our future. Rather, we determine our habits; and our habits determine our future”.

What are the habits of life by which we live?

As I reflect on this, I am convinced that we would live wiser if we learn from those who have gone before us. They have the wisdom of hindsight. Hindsight is twent-twenty vision! Here then is a significant hindsight question: “If you can live life over again, what would you do differently?”

… by Rev Edmund Chan

Again… really thankful for these great people that I mingle with everyday… and yes I gotta stop habitually letting my brain soak up unnecessary neurotic crap.

On a different note, I’ve set a personal record of eating Subway… 4 days in a row. *faint* Dunno why I’m suddenly addicted to it.

And Singapore’s Goondu of the Year is… ahem…

Dave Teo’s arrest for bringing a fireman… oops I mean firearm… to ORCHARD ROAD! How happening can Singapore get man? *faint* plus he gets his buddy arrested too…

I’m sure most of you guys and gals have read the headlines… and thought how stupid can this fella be… having just 1 month till ORD, and had to book out of camp just because of some relationship problem? Ahem not to forget… sneaked out with SAF’s property which happened to be A LOADED MACHINE GUN!!!!… meant for just friggin guard duty… Just what da blardy fark was he thinking man… allo just 1 mth till ORD wanna pull stunt… A serious contender against Steven Lim for Singapore’s Goondu of the Year. Boy I hope this entry doesn’t get “tomorrowed” or “stomped”. Edited this like more than 4 times so that it doesn’t have enough spice to get featured…

But it really doesn’t matter what I think or believe… things are still gonna move on… things will change and we all make mistakes regardless of how big they are… they do happen. And I really don’t know why I seem to be defending this guy but… everyone does deserve a chance right? But that really doesn’t mean that this guy had a good reason for bring firearms out of the authorized area… well… but what if there really were terrorists hanging out at Orchard Road… we’d have a young valiant AWOL Rambotan with a SAR ready to put ‘em out in a jiffy wouldn’t we? And Dave would become zero to hero…

*flock of crows flying past…. 

But seriously… gotta feel for the family and whatever he’s going through at the moment. Definitely ought have realized how incredibly silly he was… might even go for an insanity plea? Reminds me of that undergrad who has a compulsive mental sickness for stealing and shoplifting. Anyway… this guy just really found himself in deep shit. I think this has to be one of the most expensive lessons for anyone to learn on the planet. Need I say not worth it?

Which reminds me… if you’ve watched a documentary of the lives of the citizens in North Korea, this is nothing compared to what the North Koreans go through. Yes I’m seriously digressing here but this just struck me so hard. The people there are subjected to the purest form of dictatorship… and there, you can’t even tell the difference whether citizens live out of pure fear, or pure love and respect for their country’s leader. No one is allowed freely out of the country, and whoever does without the government’s permission faces immediate death, and if they do eventually escape from North Korea, their relatives get arrested and executed! There was a young man who managed to escape to South Korea, and when being interviewed and asked about what happened to his family, he declined to comment. Can you imagine how inhumane that is… you pay the price of your family’s life for your freedom. And all the wealth of the country goes to the government… and its just unbelievable that at this era there’s still such things going on.

Thank God this isn’t North Korea. 

Quite glad that I’ve fully recovered from cold and phlegm… and thanks to W, M, B, RN, for making life less sick than it already is… and my exam results were out yesterday. Passed 2 out of 3 papers… so I’m left with 5 more papers to sit for and I’m deciding to take it slow… just take 2 papers this year and see if possible to score well than flunk all 5 at one shot.

I will be going to school alone now that most of my uni friends have already graduated or deferred their studies… so that means I’m probably gonna make new friends this semester. Rather looking forward to sorta fresh start.

Managed to get back to running today, after a 1 week break due to being sick last week. Timing was bad but perspired a ton, so felt really refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the week. Probably gotta do some financial planning as I’m planning to open a new bank account with OCBC or Citibank (still deciding)…

Also decided to take a break from church for awhile. Starting to doubt that this church is where I should be, and I thought of looking to go somewhere else. Shift of priorities in my life choices, also figured that if I wasn’t moving along with the church’s vision, I’m probably just making the pple in there continue to question why I’m not as committed as they’d hope… can’t really get along well with the cell groups either… but I’m not severing my relationship with God either… cos no matter how I try I know it can never be done… I guess I’m too stubborn with how I want to go about my relationship with God that hardly anyone can actually reach out to change me.

Anyway… after running and panting and heart racing, I was reminded that it really doesn’t matter what you think or believe… its what you do with it in real life that really matters.

Bedtime… zzzzzz….

Christian slugfests.

They’re all over the net… and yes its so darn abrasive… Especially if you’re a strong believer in “yes there’s a God” or “there just can’t be any god”… then again… interestingly, you do find heavier slugfests when Christian vs Christian as opposed to Christian vs Atheist. Its amazing… this socio-cultural phenomenon… makes me really glad that I studied Sociology (like it makes me smarter than everyone else?)… and yes I’m starting to sound like some wise guy here hahaha… but hey no one really reads what I write, which I sorta hope stay that way after so much crap that the popular bloggers gotta respond to… thank God I’m not on liquidblade or tomorrow.sg or stomp etc etc… 

I’m not going to engage into another intellectual debate or perspective here. The last time I had a similar row was with W, and it just kept going on till it was soooo darn late and I felt bad for making her stay up so late just to prove a simple point. But just to let her know if she’s reading that I really love her (wonder if she’ll really puke) and very glad to have caught up after being seperated for perhaps 8-9 years since secondary school. I remember how much of an ass I was (hope I’m not one anymore) and how rude I was to her when we were 18. And she’s always came across as a sound mind till this date… and a great yet intimidating friend. Actually spent like >3 hours talking to me when I was feeling down and confused about what righteousness is… no it wasn’t a christian slugfest despite my post title.

I came to this little forum after googling for christian slugfests and saw this post…

Originally posted by aarbrock
I am actually on the internet trying to find illustrations for a lesson involving belief vs. unbelief in God. I’m a devout Christian, and I’m actually Worship Leader at my church. I think a large problem with today’s Christians is that some of us are very abrasive. We push God on people until it makes them hate Him (and us), and we end up with boards like these (although this one is extremely mild-mannered). There IS no reason to argue about religion. None. We are all entitled to our own beliefs…that’s what makes America great. Is Christianity pushed? You better believe it. Do I tell people about God’s saving grace and love? Absolutely. My experiences with it are amazing, and there’s nothing in the world that I would trade my relationship with Him for. It just hurts me to see the damage that some Christians have actually done by TRYING to tell people about God. My viewpoint is that I hope the people I talk to will listen. If they do, it’s an opportunity. If they don’t, it’s their choice and it’s my obligation to respect their requests. They didn’t ask for me to talk to them about Jesus. If they don’t want to hear it, they have that right. I just hope this board doesn’t turn into a God-basher being a Christian doesn’t mean shoving God down someone’s throat. It means setting an example through the way you live. Then, people ask questions about why you’re so optimistic in bad situations, or how you can smile when you just lost your wife. God’s been amazing to me, and I know some of you don’t even believe in God…and that’s okay. It’s not my decision to choose your beliefs. I do pray that your eyes will be opened to the awesomeness that I’ve been given, but if that doesn’t happen, I am not entitled to shove it down your throat until you do.God bless all of you. I will probably only get back on this board to see what kind of comments I get back, but more than likely, I won’t reply.”

I thought this was rather appropriately said… and I do share sentiments when christians are so motivated by their leaders to spread the Gospel that we shove it down other’s throats… in benefit of the doubt, it was probably unintentional and due to what people call being overzealous. Life’s tough… there’s always the “overs” and the “unders”… and when you’re in between you can slammed from both sides for being “over” this and “under” that… Ahh… slamma dang dangs…

And yes… God is truly awesome if you really get to know Him.
 

Congrats to Iraq for winning the Asian Cup!

Started my day with a prayer, and realized that I’ve probably been haboring too many negative emotions and thoughts without even realizing it, which probably explained a rather sullen and tired mood. But played much better this afternoon, although I lost the first set 6-7, chased back to win the 2nd set 7-6, and the next 7-5, ran out of gas the last set at lost 7-1… but I’ve done what I needed to do for the day.

Came back home, had dinner and watched the entire final between Iraq and Saudi Arabia. It wasn’t the best of matches quite frankly… and I’m seriously NOT a big soccer fan. But since I’ve not watched a Middle East Asian Cup final before, I guess it would be interesting to see how they played. Iraq’s defence was absolutely superb, which made the match just boring to watch, but it was exciting to see how the possession was won in midfield. Saudi Arabia just could not create any chances because Iraq’s defenders and midfielders were just all over them, they couldn’t even make past 3 quarters of the pitch! That said, Iraq put up a real gutsy performance and finally scored, and just to see them celebrate was a priceless sight to behold. Eventually they held the 1 goal lead and became AFC Champions for the first time in history. It was what I felt to be a truly great and timely triumph amidst all the political turmoil in the country.

Anyway, about that inviting people to church thingy, I really hope that I’ve not offended people here, but you know, if you think your life is just incredibly sucky… it probably is. The thing about some people is that, they think once they go to church for the first time, they’re expecting something supernatural to take place. And the word ’supernatural’ is very subjective to interpretation. In my own personal opinion, the concept of God itself is supernatural (it requires faith and belief), just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And this thought basis in itself can be incredibly difficult to reconcile with a logical mind aka human intelligence. Anyway, my point is… although being renounced and cleansed of your sins is a supernatural materialization of salvation, your life doesn’t just change with the snap of the finger.

And perhaps the only way to experience the true living Word of God, is to inculcate the principles that the bible teaches. So what happens? It becomes another additional commitment. My key word is, ANOTHER…. And I think that’s one of those things that can turn people away (myself included) because we as individuals have already made certain choices about how to spend the little time we have on this planet, and we all know what it means to be committed. Its just plain tough.

I’d say if the individual was a person who sought truth and understanding about all things… that desire can be the driving force to that commitment, and it does provide more insight and a newer perspective on how God meant things to work. And truthfully… the things I’ve learnt and applied have worked rather well, although I’ve not been all that successful in other areas. For example, the concept of love and forgiveness is just so powerful when you apply it to any type of social relationship.

I can’t say that I’m a committed christian, and although I do hope that others around me will come to know about God, I really find it hard to be a source of inspiration for you guys at this moment because I’m really no better than any of you. I too struggle with my life and meet obstacles that throw me off ever so often. But knowing that there exists this person who’s always there for me, and always looking after me, knowing that I’m not all that holy… it bring a sense of peace and calmness when you know that no matter what happens, this person loves and cares for your well-being not for just a couple of sundays, but for eternity. He just knows us inside and out, but wait till you find out who He is, and you might just have the greatest discovery of your life. 

Faith Is…

Trusting the unprovable

“I would love to be a believer, if I knew it was the truth,” an intelligent young Japanese man said to me. “Prove it to me. That’s what the unbelieving world is waiting for. We’re scientific. We want proof before we believe.”

“But that’s a contradiction,” I answered. “If there is proof, there no longer is room for belief. For faith believes in that which cannot be proven. Let me sum it up in this sentence:

When proof is possible, faith becomes impossible.”

The young man asked, “But if God wants us to be believers, why didn’t He prove Himself to us?”

Hebrews 11:6 “Without faith it is impossible to please [God].”

The same is true in human relationships. When somebody believes in you before you’ve earned their trust, you have been honored! When they trust you even though you didn’t display your credentials, faith is born.

I remember the people who believed in me when I started our ministry. I was unknown. I had no reputation. Yet they believed in me before I could prove myself to them. To this day I have deep affection for and gratitude to those special persons.

God knew what He was doing when He established the belief system. When you strip away all mystery and leave the truth naked and mathematically scientific, something sweet and attractive is lost.

There will always be the unknown. There will always be the unprovable. But faith confronts those frontiers with a thrilling leap. Then life becomes vibrant with adventure!

- excerpt from Tough Minded Faith For Tender Hearted People by Robert H. Schuller

You control your fate…

I just read my ex’s blog. Apparently she has made the effort to keep in touch by taking down this new blog address. And yes, absolutely saddened and disappointed about what I wrote about her and about marriage in my previous post. Sigh… in self defence i mentioned I couldn’t imagine being with a woman who had endless emotional needs. I probably should have added “women in general”, just typed too fast and end up hurt someone feelings unintentionally now. Didn’t even give her this new blog address… if u read her blog u’d think I have taken a cheap shot. Sigh… also dunno what to do now…

Going to take my degree in a much slower pace now. Just 2 subjects for the coming year. I’m just too drained. I’m not worried about the pace of Singapore now. I’m just worried about my health. Life isn’t about making a living… its about making a life. 3-4 subjects = no life. Might as well take it slow and get the degree later. At least I should be able to afford my own course fees now…

Been thinking about whether I ought to continue being in City Harvest Church. Well… I did say that I was going to stay for awhile. But its important that my vision and life purpose is synonymous with the teachings. I wonder if the church, or my CG members are going to be willing to accept my passions and my train of thought. I come to realize after 17 years of being a christian… my faith was just another thing that my mum passed down when I was a kid. Guess the pastors and priests were always right… lotsa problems come from within the church in dealing with people like me… who just don’t have that aptitude for being a living word of God. Honestly… CHC’s pace is astounding. Its just one message after another… one mission after another… on and on and on… seriously… either the members are extremely spiritually powerful or living in complete denial of himself… perhaps even both. After all the idea is to expel the flesh and live in the spirit… thinking about being a member of the church requires a person to be almost fully transformed… its incredibly miraculous for it to happen, because it really takes so much dedication and determination. Or does it? Because when u live in the spirit, strength that comes from God is so powerful that you won’t even feel tired. Wrong. Fact is you’re still a human being living in the world. You’ll eventually get tired and burn out once in awhile.

I’m burnt out by having to think about my future all the time. I realize that I’m just an average person. Meant to do extraordinary things but… extraordinary to whom? Doing something extraordinary to yourself, may just be looked at as something far less by another person. So who do you live for? Yourself or for the other person who judges you? I rather live for myself and be judged by God… than having to rely on other people’s judgement on whatever I do… cos no one else really can say what’s good or bad… for its already the truth that there’s no judge but God. Woe to those who criticise me for who I am, because they will eventually be judged themselves… I’m just trying to live out my life the way I know best.

Can’t picture myself getting married at this juncture. Can’t picture myself having kids. Can’t picture the house yet. The only picture that remains is shaking a hand that is about to pass me a degree cert, and another hand passing me a championship trophy… those are the main goals now….

Childish you say? I’m using my talents to achieve something, making the best of my talents and abilities. God knows best as to who I am. Others don’t. Its not everyone’s fate to buy a house by a certain age or get married and have kids at a certain age… but God gave us the freedom of choice. I just chose a path differing from many other people… i just don’t want to have any regrets in my life… and fulfill the vision i have, not a vision that someone else has.

There’s always a price to pay

Honestly, I’ve hardly studied for Commercial Law and Principles of Accounting. I might fail these 2 subjects. But the stress level has gone down, and for some reason it feels that I’m in more control. I know this comes at a price, but its a price that I should and can afford. After all I’m just getting this degree for the sake of open doors in the future. I can feel that my body is deteriorating. I never got sick so often in my life. What’s life when you can’t even be happy with it and stressing out every bloody single day. What’s there to paper qualifications and top salaries when you aren’t even doing what makes you happy, or what’s right for you? It sucks to keep up with the pace of the world. The idea that you’re always gonna lose. The Kiasu Singaporean. Yeah… I realized that’s what I’ve been for the past few years. Get a good job, fall helplessly in love, buy flat have kids buy car end of story. God, I am an idiot.

Was at my grandma’s place last Sunday on Mother’s day. Aunt came. Talked about cousins. 1 just graduated from JC with straight ‘A’s, trying to get into medical school amongst 2000 other people who got straight ‘A’s. Another cousin’s graduated in Chicago, and working in New York now. Another cousin’s studying a double degree in the University of Toronto doing law…. no i’m not jealous. Wonder how my parents felt when she said about how great the other people in the family are doing. Asked me how I was doing… asked about my job. I got irritated when I saw her face squirm and frown. The words “you’re a loser” was written all over her face. No, I dun hate myself. I was just pissed. Yeah, pissed at my mum’s sister. If I was witty enough I’d have thrown a couple of lines to throw her off balance. And I’m supposed to be an even-tempered mr nice guy. Which of course I so valiantly stuck to by smiling and removing eye contact.

Got approached by prudential agent on my way back. She was real good at chatting up to get me to sit down and interest me with CPF investments that I was already interested in. But I realized that I didn’t like her. Why? Cos she’s just so damn good that its as though I will actually get a plan from her. Have no idea whether to feel irritated or pleasantly surprised. Yeah we choose how to feel. Yet at times we don’t. And by the way… she asked if I was married or single and what type of girl I like and why I’m not married. Strangely I wasn’t pissed but amused. So was it really her skill or am I just so darn easy to read. Ok… being the idiot I’m probably the latter. K…. I’ll probably not buy from her.

Decided to drop accounts this year. RN was right from the start. I should’ve just taken it slow… 2-3 subjects a year. Might not have saved time, but sure would save a lot of money. Always a price to pay they say… always applicable to capitalist societies. I think I already regret taking the full load… its bitter sweet knowing that you’ve not regretted most of the things you did, but regretting for just 1 big thing. Well, thankfully I don’t whine.

Its my 27th birthday on Saturday. Going to meet up with RN, Lex, KM, princess, FS for some food and entertainment. At least when things aren’t so good, there’re still some good things to look forward to. When I think of age, I think about how we label stuff to age. e.g. 10 year olds discover their sexuality, 17 year olds punch bus drivers, 20 year olds may still take money from parents, 27 year olds… i dunno. I have a job and no girlfriend and no degree. And yes I still sound like an ass-blowing kiasu Singaporean.

Am I pissed off with God? I dun think so… I’ve been finding that God is starting to become a blur rather than a definitive source of truth. Am I backsliding? Even the holiest of people struggled with humanity… not to mention holy but not so holy people. Maybe I watch too much tv. But as the mind progresses/deteriorates (depending on how u look at it), battles don’t just involve things that bring you down… but it also involves stuff that brings you up. Its the latter that can be complicated and tough to win. Is love over-rated? Well… I still like to believe that its not.

Love your enemies

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back.”

“But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and you reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” And He spoke a parable to them: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not fall into the ditch? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is perfectly trained will be like his teacher. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.”

(Know where I got this from?)