But now that I have began to use the Samsung Galaxy S2, I am no longer a slave!!! I happily bought a plethora of credits from Legalsounds, and subsequently downloaded a crapload of tracks that I’ve missed out for the past few years. Not to mention… I am back to using the beloved Winamp media player! And the interface still looks clean the way it was and it was pretty easy to use!

Oh man it sure is nice to get new songs and just listen to stuff and just blog. Today was a pretty ok day… managed to get to work early and stuff in an SME meal, lunch was healthy, got my fav Swissbake quiche for tea around 5 plus just before leaving work. Otherwise I’d have too little energy to make it to the gym. Got to Chevrons to get my new army uniform ordered. Ran 4km plus and did a bit of weights. Had a later dinner 8 plus and helped to clear the dishes. Sat in front of the TV for awhile to watch tennis highlights. Came to my PC, opened up Winamp!! ooooo… feels so good to open winamp once again!! lol…  I hope I can keep up days like this where I remain conscious of what needs to be done throughout the day and fight against fatigue.

Song of the moment, A Thousand Years by Christina Perri! =)

Anyways, I wanted to make a list of stuff that are going to be milestones and some goals I hope to achieve within the year. Which was something I kept wanting to do, but kept being interrupted by those obligations during CNY. Which brings up a point. Why do I feel like its an obligation? Well for one thing… its the only time in a year I will get to see all my relatives at once. And since family is important, we generally want our parents to be happy during the lunar new year. The thing that’s rather contradicting was, my parents always fight about minor stuff and it kind of cascades into me and brother’s mood. It just drives me crazy when they just can’t seem to agree on anything and begin to argue about stuff. Which brings to mind something that my fiancee addressed to me this afternoon. Why do wives start to have this kind of strangely unreasonable behaviour that just pops out right during the big occasions like CNY? They start to get incredibly emotional and they just start to yap a ton of nonsense that does nothing but make the people close to them feel like crap. Like for example accusing us for not helping when we are always ready to help, and saying things like we’re useless even after becoming adults. Why can our fathers keep the peace and the mothers start to go nuts? This is the single most irritating thing about CNY. Everything else including spring cleaning is actually good. Of course not all mothers are like that… for example I can already name a few aunties whom I wish my mother can follow. Even G had this weird episode with her mum that was just so uncalled for… and it makes us sons and daughters super upset.

She then told me to remind her as we grow old together, to not go down this path of insanity. Yes I would call it insanity.

Before going to work tomorrow, a few things that I just want to put down in case I forget:

1) Travel with hun to Taipei/Bangkok/Hong Kong either place within this year

2)  Complete our flat renovations, and move in by the 3rd quarter of the year… earlier if possible (source for contractors once our bonuses have been declared)

3) Register our marriage on 7 May for just both our immediately families. Relatives to come for a separate banquet in 2013.

4) Source for a chinese restaurant by Q4 of 2012 for the wedding banquet.

5) Exercise a minimum of 3 time a week.

6) Improve my level of discipline towards my goals. Fight harder against food temptations like KFC, fried foods, and less meat. More fish and veg diet compared to my usual eating habits. Fight against fatigue, and the urge to just quit when things get tough.

7) Improve my work habits, stop putting off tasks away to the next day, and try to complete as many tasks as possible within a full work day.

8) Be punctual for work, stop being late. Reach the office no later than 9am everyday. Make it part of improving discipline.

9) Sleep earlier and turn in before midnight wherever possible.

10) Wake up earlier during weekends. If possible by 8am.

11) Spend more time on chores, and buck up discipline. When reaching home, take a shower right away, and start ironing clothes/hanging the laundry. You need to get into the habit, otherwise the transition will be very difficult.

12) Buy a Razer Mamba asap to remove the tech itch.

13) If its still not enough, buy the mad catz Rat 9 wireless mouse. But do not buy it till minimum 6 months of using the mamba.

14) Do not buy an Ipad, you cannot afford it. Because even if you can afford it, you won’t use it that much.

15) Always be there for G. She is going to be your wife.

16) Stop taking so long to reply G’s msgs.

17) Focus on cardio workouts for the first 2 months. Try to clock at least 4km every gym session. Subsequently integrate strength training into the fitness regime.

18) Plan weeks ahead if possible. Especially paying attention to gym sessions. Sacrifice things to be at the gym. Try not to use fatigue as an excuse, unless you’re falling ill. If the schedule needs to be changed, change it. Don’t cancel the gym sessions.

19) Be more organized at work, think harder, and don’t go soft on yourself. The recovery year is over… its time to get back in gear and push forward.

20) Watch your spending esp on food. Cut down on suppers. Fight against hunger at night, and conquer it. Wake up earlier to eat full breakfasts. Cut down on heavy dinners despite strong urges.

21) In summary, do not succumb too easily to urges and cravings. Discipline is going to be key this year in order for everything to work out better than last year.

Hopefully I’ve covered whatever is needed.

In a short few months, developments of my new home with my new wife, have really changed the way we communicate and spend time together. It’s not a bad feeling in any sort of way, but it is different when you start to spend a bit more time deciding between the practical and the aesthetic when it comes to the new home. And… because we stay so far from each other, its hard to make the time to meet up and spend more time together and just be with each other for the sake of it. I mean, sure its important to make good decisions in renovation, but we both miss that part when we date and just enjoy each other’s company.

Anyway I will probably come to that part later on renovations. But the main topic of the day is of course, how Chinese New Year is going to be like this year. For one thing I can say, its a very different one compared to the past 30 years… in that I will finally be visiting another brand new family. My fiancee’s parents’ relatives. I really wonder if I’m prepared. I guess it should be ok since I have my clothes down… and I just need to bring my politeness and smile along.

Its really such a hot day today, has to be at least 32C outside. Thank god I put back my blinds if not the house is just gonna bake in the sun. Right so time is really starting to fly fast and furious now.

I guess I probably need to end this entry abruptly and write more about things another time. Till then, Happy Dragon Year and Going Xi Fa Cai!

Again we ask, what, why, where, when and how. This is something that I haven’t exactly sat down to do all that much. But that’s not entirely true either. Looking at 2011, there’s been plenty done in terms of personal fulfillment since my graduation. I have practically been able to get back a lot of things that I have lost while I was studying so damn hard for my degree. Which is, a hell lot of rest, and a lot more play time. Which although might sound pretty meaningless to others, but absolutely essential to bringing back my sense of sanity after a really long spell of hardship doing the part time degree.

Yeah sure, lots of you people might think, “Hey its just a degree, no big deal, you didn’t aim to go for the first class or second class blah blah blah” I wouldn’t call that an unfair statement, but I just don’t friggin care about what you think about my situation anyway. Sure some would’ve worked a lot harder and got the results… but if anyone where to say I didn’t work hard… I didn’t do it for anyone. I did it for me and my future.

Since graduation, I finally got a custom cue with a design that I had always wanted. 4 flamed ebony points on BEM with fancy rings at all segments with hoppe ring at the bottom, ivory spear inlays, and lizard wrapped handle. And it hits like a gem too. I managed to start playing pool seriously again in early 2011, and went on to progress to the quarterfinals in a medium sized tournament. Despite not making it to the nationals, I have made decent decisions to hold off pool, and just concentrate on resting up more, improve my well being, and stop feeling so stressed up compared to past years. I truly felt that I needed to stop running at full speed, otherwise I would have just burnt myself out badly by the end of the year.

Meanwhile, I also managed to find more time to be with G, and spend more time on planning our new flat renovations, deciding on budgets and furniture, and also finalized on our ROM date. It has been such a different year from all the other years.

Of course on the downside, all that rest contributed to significant weight gain. From 75kg to 80kg to 85kg. 10 kg of weight gain within the past 2 years. Sounds very similar to the time when I entered poly and came out 10 kg heavier.

It was also a good year in terms of material wants. I got a new phone, an entire new gaming rig, bunch of really hot games in which I found that I really have hardly anytime to immerse myself in. A new BK2 break cue, which is my dream break cue. I paid up fully for my macbook pro. Bought new Babolat rackets and tennis gear. And above all, proposed to G with the best proposal ring that I could possibly afford, and also bought some new clothes. Not to mention, cooked a lot of steaks and giant prawns… and finally had the chance to make an awesome spanish seafood paella, and finally went on a few short getaways with my fiancee.

It was a good “recovery” year for me. Which was much needed considering that I had endured excessive years of exams. I could finally celebrate my birthday without any exam stress since 2005. Thank God for that. 2011 wasn’t the best year in terms of achievements, but nonetheless a decent year.

Lets look at what I wanted to do last year… and see if I got to do them

1) A short getaway to Bali or anywhere nearby with my gf. – check! We went to Batam… twice!

2) Organize a seafood bbq for just 4-5 pple. Including the fresh huge tiger prawns, maybe lobster if available, grilled salmon, chicken chops and vegetables. Oh… and of cos cheese sausages and bratwursts. Roasted peppers and cheesy mushrooms.  Wines only. – check! We had 2-3 bbqs at E’s place, with awesome steak, and the most recent occasion, a nice serving of large prawns, scallops and drumlets along with great steaks too!

3) Have another bigger bbq for 6-8 pple. Steaks, pork, chicken, bratwursts, potatoes with sour cream and bacon bits, vegetables, grilled fish. unlimited booze. – Didn’t manage to do this as it was too hard to find a venue, and pretty stressful to cook for so many folks.

4) Be 5 kg lighter despite after eating all that food. – what was I thinking? LOL

5) Train for national pool championships – made it to quarterfinals in SPGG 9 ball tournament, which I trained for very hard at the beginning of the year. Subsequently took a step backward as national standards were too high, and it did not make sense to sacrifice that much to do well at the national level. Goal is under KIV.

6) Organize YEC pool west zone challenge – no longer viable as this was only possible if I was single and could afford the time to do volunteer work.

7) Complete Killzone 2, God of War 1 to 3, Resistance 2, Bayonetta, Final Fantasy 13, Uncharted 2 – Out of this list, I have only completed Killzone 2. Just hard to find that much time to complete games.

8) Archive all my god damn notes! – Check! Got rid of them. =p

9) Start rollerblading again – OMG, I absolutely did not touch them in 2011.

10) Meet up with friends who lost contact since my exam prep. – Finally met up with WQ, G and I… and especially glad to hear that I is getting married!

11) Reinstate movie marathons every month. – not a practical goal since there is limited time to spend with my fiancee. But we still do catch the good movies when we can.

12) Eat with family at least once a week. For the first 2 weeks after my exams, have dinner with my family wherever possible. – I think I managed to do this. But recently not so much.

13) Reinstate early morning tennis on Sundays – that worked out for a short while, but since W gave up only managed to sustain a few weeks with JG. On the bright side, I started to go for tennis lessons in the last quarter of 2011.

14) Reinstate badminton sessions on Saturdays – this was too difficult as it always clashed with time with my fiancee.

15) Read more books – Read Freakanomics. I should definitely read more in 2012.

16) Apply for new jobs – no longer necessary as future seems more secure in current company.

So out of so many things I wanted to do in 2011… a lot of them did not happen… but what did happen was..

1) I proposed and she accepted

2) Our parents finally met each other on more than 1 occasion

3) We planned our budget for the new house and the ROM

4) I got a new gaming rig and finally got into Starcraft 2

5) Made closer foreign friends in the form of Y from ANZ, J from HK, R & A from CHI.

6) Maintained friendships with pool buddies, and made new friends via tennis.

All in all… a decent year for 2011. Time to think about 2012.

But the feeling of typing on a mech keyboard is rather addictive. I just want to keep typing on and on till I finally get used to it. The problem is I hate the place of the question mark, which in the silliest of spots one could ever imagine.

This makes me feel like going out to buy the other thermaltake G1 meka keyboard, and even the steelseries 7G or perhaps the razer blackwidow mechanical keyboard. Which is completely insane since I hardly play that many games and I’m not typing as much stuff when I’m home.

Why do I always have this kind of techlust problem? I finally manage to get the ? mark down. I have to look at what I’m typing so that I don’t miss that ? mark. Ok, so I just need to look at what I’m typing, and the ? mark will always be fine.

Its been awhile since I’ve looked at my keyboard to type. Considering I’ve really gotten used to using the non-mechanical keyboards to do my work. I wonder whether I should just get the TT G1 keyboard for work. And just go nuts with it in the office and really enjoy typing. I mean… I am using the keyboard in the office all the time. Why shouldn’t I get something that’s really decent and fun to use for work. Especially when it comes to using a mechanical keyboard.

I will never forget the feel of the mechanical keyboard back in my poly days. There was this particular lab that ran IBM desktops, and the keyboards were simply the most pleasurable things to type on. I could just really go on and on forever on that. And it was really nice to do programming with something that felt so good.

Its funny how I spent so much on this type of keyboard but use so little of it. Come to think of it. Maybe I should just go get the old G15 logitech keyboard for my desktop. And bring this little mech warrior to my office and bang the hell outta it. Besides, I kind of miss the feel of the G15. Its really a very nice touch and the layout is just perfect. Oh no… there I go again.

Anyway the G15 has been updated again… and due to popular demand, its got the plethora of macro keys back. I wonder if I will ever use macro keys on a gaming keyboard. Cos as long as you remember the basic commands there’s not going be many problems if you end up in a LAN party. But I’ve never been to a LAN party. WTF…

Come to think of it… would it be a good idea to convert one of the rooms into a LAN room. But how many of us out there are so into Starcraft anyway.

Ok… I’m thinking of buying another new keyboard again. This is nuts. I have 2 now, and I’m gonna get a 3rd one? My gf won’t kill me, but then… why the heck do I wanna spend on all these things?

There just seems to be so much more to do when you grow up. When you’re young and ignorant about the world, you’re ignorant about being ignorant itself. So why does it have to be this way?

When its really easy to type all this maniacal crap… posing questions that don’t really matter. Anyway, I just get this feeling that I’m gonna sell this meka keyboard. The typing is pretty ok, but I just get the feeling that its getting a little bit difficult to type. 

Then again, I guess I should just use it for another few months and try to get used to it. The typing is pretty decent, and you don’t really have to press the keys all the way down to register the keys. 

But now I’m just thinking won’t it be nice to just use a full size mechanical keyboard. This one just feels more suitable for portable lan gaming. And it also lacks the media keys. 

Feeling really sleepy now, but I just can’t get enough of typing on a mech keyboard. The feel on this is just so interesting. And I wonder why I didn’t discover this sooner. I really feel like getting another keyboard. But then I’ve been spending so much on all this gear. 

Why can’t I be satisfied with this? I think somehow the keys are a little bit too close to each other for comfort. Then again, I could just be too used to using the office keyboard. Then again, why not I use this keyboard in the office. I should have a more enjoyable typing experience. 

I wish that I didn’t need sleep. Cos there is just so much to do… there’s never really enough time. And when there is… its usually too much.

There is more than just 1 big day. In fact there are a few… my parents meeting her parents to acknowledge our future marriage plans, the collection of our wedding bands, the date of the engagement, and not to forget the key collection to our new flat. Its like… once we get the key, it means we get to straight to Fernvale, open the door, and look at everything that we have planned for. Its something that I had only imagined and dreamed of just a couple of years ago… and now its becoming a reality.

Our relationship had its ups and downs… but we’re lucky that we did not have as many downtimes as many other couples. My relationship with G has been amazing… and I know I’ve said this many times… I am lucky. And I can only say that she’s probably just as lucky to have me too. I got her a really nice ring!

I just managed to get back to PC gaming…. I was lucky enough to find a seller willing to sell a whole rig that had great specs, with graphics powerful enough for me to play on my 32 inch HDTV. It just looks so gorgeous to play Starcraft 2 on such a huge screen. At just under $600 I get system powerful enough to put SC2 on Ultra settings. The game looks the way it should. Unlike playing on my Mac which was really quite unsatisfactory.

I also finally got hold of some really awesome gaming peripherals, including a Logitech G700 wireless gaming mouse, and also the TT eSports Meka mechanical gaming keyboard, which I’m currently using to type this blog entry. I must say I almost regretted getting this, because only after I bought it, I realized that it lacked the media control keys compared to the other famous mechanical keyboards like the steel series 6gv2 and blackwidow.

But the saving grace was its compact size. I don’t play my games on a desk… i have a 32 inch tv so I sit on the chair, and use this laptop rest. Had I gotten the full size keyboard, it probably would not have fit well on the rest. This keyboard was the perfect size for typing on my laprest. Well some of you might say, there was too much sacrifice made to make this keyboard compact. But I’d say they have made the right choices so far, except for exchanging  the location shift key with the “?” key. But I just I dont have to use that much ? marks nowadays either.

On the down side, I haven’t gotten used to typing on such a keyboard yet. I’m sure this will feel awesome if I was playing an FPS game… cos the keystrokes are just very firm and solid. Very similar to a keyboard that I used when I was studying in poly. There was this lab that had a really great IBM mech keyboard. I loved typing on that thing cos my fingers could just fly! I’m kinda close to flying on this one too. Its a real pleasure to type despite the compact size. Cos its really pretty much a full size keyboard layout on the main typing area… its just that the edges have been cut off leaving very little space between the keys and the edges.

This Thermaltake Meka keyboard isn’t lightweight either, which is an awesome thing because it just makes it so much more stable and improves the feel. I feel that I can really give it a good wack on the keys and it will just absorb all the shock. But I do have one minor gripe and that there’s just a bit too much travel on the keys… and it can get a little bit tiring after awhile of typing. Maybe its because I’m sitting in an awkward position?… shit i missed the ? button again. Anyway, now I understand why once u go Mech, you will never go back.

I have a feeling my next mech KB is gonna be the steelseries 6gv2. There are just so many good things being said about steel series mech keyboards.

For the mouse, I just have to emphatize with left handers… cos the G700 just feels incredibly comfortable for my right hand. Its got such a hi DPI setting which is just perfect for me since I have very little space to move my mouse around.

Ok… I just had double McSpicy meal… i just ate the chicken patties only… and oh my lord.. it was the most painful thing to eat. The spice isn’t just spicy, but it just bites into your tongue and really gave me a big headache after finishing it. I will never eat this again no matter how tempted I am. Thank god for Coke!

Sigh… its 1.30am again… I’m never gonna get enough sleep this week. But thankfully things are getting a bit better today compared to the last few days. Finally got things to move and pray that my work will go down smoothly.

Starcraft 2 is such a polished game. After 10 whole years of waiting… they really nailed it in terms of balancing all 3 races. And its going to be even more interesting when HOTS gets released. I think I might just be down to my last few missions before I completed the campaign. Meanwhile, I’ve so far managed to get some wins. Its scary how many great Starcraft players there are out there. I kept losing over and over again for the first few weeks of playing online, till I finally managed to get a hold of my 1-1-1 build and transit into battlecruisers asap. So far my BC build strategy has been pretty lucky… because a lot of players did not anticipate that I would go for that build. But BCs have so much HP and do so much DMG on land units esp on bio units. They are the solution when pple start massing up on siege tanks and roaches. However against protoss… I’ve not succeeded yet because their early push of zealots and stalkers are so tough to handle that if you don’t get siege and the beginning u will open up yourself to problems. On the other hand, marauders are great against the early protoss units. But once they mass up void rays, dark templars are especially good too…

need to sleep now. I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow. Feel like taking the day off. Urggh… I am just so exhausted.

The doc prescribed a usual plethora of meds including polarix, leftose, and cough mixture and antibiotics which I really can’t bother to spell out now. One day… its not like I’m goddamn sick, but with the amount of stress at work I’m facing nowadays, it surely won’t help with my recovery.

And again, I hate being sick because I have to pay cash upfront to the doctor before I can get a claim back from the company’s shitty health plan. Luckily the bill was less than $50 otherwise I’d be paying extra. I tried gurgling some antiseptic mouthwash in hope of preventing anymore bacteria getting into my sore throat. It barely helps… oh I hate taking medication.

I was supposed to meet my new fiancee for dinner today, yes I proposed and it went very well. I should write more about my proposal. But now, I’m like a baby whining about how sick I am when its just a sore throat and cough (sticks a vicks inhaler up the nose). I just really hope I don’t end up more sick later on. Cos right now I’m already feeling my throat begin to shout “infect me now” to all the germs possibly in my system.

Recently I came back tennis, and even got a coach weekly to help with my game. I realize that it might just be a bad decision, because with the ring I bought and the micro loan I got a cple of mths ago, was as predicted, not enough to cover the expenses. I sold almost a quarter of my shares, hoping that it can cover all the extras I had these cple of months. Maybe that could have contributed to the additional stress… having to save, and also having enough to give my parents allowance and handle my expenses.

In fact, I think I really should heed the doc’s advise and go hit the gym more often. Sure tennis is exercise, but I’m really not doing as much compared to a youngster running all over the court retrieving winners. Besides, I have a 10km run with hun this coming Dec… and she’s been busting her chops trying to slim down. Come to think of it, I have been pretty douchy preaching that exercise is impt when I don’t work out as much as I should. It feels damn sucky… cos I now I wanna go and run but I can’t with this stupid infection.

Just took the antibiotics, and I feel like my body is starting to fight back more now while typing. Which is honestly a good thing, considering I didn’t take them the first round this morning. Just hope that it keeps up through the night.

So here’s my rant, and I just hope all this clears up, and I get motivated again to bust my ass at the gym. I’m getting married… I ought to look at least a bit more enticing to my wife right?

1) Get a good cut of beef. Sirloin. Ribeye. Tenderloin. Angus beef. Grass fed beef. Grain fed beef. Wagyu beef. Kobe beef. Any of these will make a great flavorful beefy taste. Get a steak that’s at least 1 inch thick. Its very difficult to get good color if that piece of beef is too thin! Try to find as much marbling as possible within your budget. More marbling=better flavor.

2) Don’t cook it if its cold! You have to take it out of the fridge for at least an hour (from the freezer at least 2 hrs) in advance. If you cook a cold steak, the outside is going to be overcooked, and its gonna stay raw inside! Make sure its room temperature and the meat is complete relaxed before you put it in a pan.

3) Get your pan screaming hot. You need to hear the beef sizzle when you put it on! You want that brown caramelization on both sides. You don’t wanna boil steak… you wanna FRY that bugger.

4) Don’t move/jiggle/toss that steak in the pan. Once you put it on, leave it alone! Don’t poke it or whatever thing other than making sure that side is in full contact with the pan. And cook it on one side for 2-4 minutes and then flip it just once. BUT DON’T WALK AWAY FROM YOUR KITCHEN. WATCH IT OTHERWISE IT WILL BURN!

5) If you like it medium rare like I do, I look at the side of the steak, and check if the red is turning opaque. Usually its 2-3 mins on each side for me… but if you’re afraid of it being undercooked, leave it for 4 mins max each side. Bear in mind this is just a rough gauge for a 1 inch thick steak. If its thinner, less cooking time. If its thicker than 1 inch, wow… can you finish that?

6) This is a tip from Marco Pierre White. After cooking 1 side, flip it and let the other side cook for about 2-3 mins, till you see the blood pierce the top of the beef. If the blood just starts to pierce up, medium rare. If the blood starts make small pools, its medium. If you do it this way, you don’t need to cut into it to know if its cooked. This is a very good way to tell!

7) After its cooked. Leave it to rest for at least 2-3 mins. If you cut into the beef right after it comes off the pan, the juices are going to leak and steam out! Let it rest so that the beef relaxes… and the juices will get retained within the meat. The result is, juicy bites every time.

8) Practice makes perfect. Cooking steak is all about feel and intuition. You need experience to know when the beef is cooked exactly the way you want it.

Seasoning Tips

1) Seasoning with salt and pepper is the simplest and tastes fantastic. You can try other seasoning rubs or marinades… but just sprinkling enough salt and pepper will work! Kosher salt and sea salt are the best. I also personally love Lawry’s seasoned salt. Try it if you can find it.

2) Instead of putting oil in the pan, put oil on your steak! That way, the seasoning will stick to it and impart the flavour into the beef.

3) Add some freshly chopped rosemary if you have some. It just takes the flavor to another level.

4) After flipping the steak once while cooking, get a knob of butter, throw it into the pan with some peeled garlic cloves, and baste the steak with the melted butter and garlic. That hint of garlic and butter is going to smell and taste brilliant.

Watch these videos and have a look at how the experts do it!

Jamie Oliver: (nice step by step instructions)

Gordon Ramsay: (quick and straightforward principles)

Marco Pierre White: (simple steak recipes)

Thankfully, logging into the account wasn’t really a pain in the ass, otherwise I’d probably went to get my bro’s kindle or something. My goodness, I’ve graduated for an entire year now… well sort of considering I got my results around the same period this time last year. Hun just got her results and wow… I even felt slightly envious, but then isn’t really awesome to know that the girl you’re dating is really smart, likely smarter than you, and yet she’s still likes to hang out with you? I’m not sure if she will come in and read this, but consider myself lucky to be with her. Looking back at my own academic performance, I probably was out of my mind taking something with the word “law” in it. And so the trend of “what-ifs” continue… followed by some self-realization that you wouldn’t have done it differently if history were to repeat itself. Everything happens for a reason as we all know by now.

Back to the question, why haven’t I been blogging at all? Heck, nowadays I don’t even pause to think about stuff, and go through that zen-process like routine of self-reflection and spending time in prayer and meditating with that sense of hope that everything will turn out fine. Recently its like, I’m pretty much just leaving everything to chance, perhaps even exaggerating to a point that I’m calling it “let nature take its course”. I wonder if I’m just being a tad too lazy, no that’s not the word, because I’m just pre-occupied with a plethora of “to-dos” and “want-to-dos” and “hope-to-dos”. Towards the end of the day in the office I was telling my boss, in response to his question of “any help you need?”, I said that I need a superpower to freeze time to do everything that I want/need to do.

Now that didn’t even answer the question did it? But I guess it kinda shows that everyday, I’m going through that routine of waking up, commuting like a zombie to work, finishing work with either a good or a shagged mood depending on what I had to do in a day, waiting for the weekend, have a blast doing tennis/pool/seeing hun/cooking/catching up with old friends etc… and then slide back into Monday again. I’m not really finding much to write about all that I was doing… despite how mundane or super exciting it was. I wonder whether time for myself is really truly time for myself now. Because its like I’m doing all this stuff… playing sports and cooking and everything… to be frank its been great because hun’s always there for me… but really when I have personal time, its as though I’m almost kind of abusing myself by trying to do too much even. Kind of like “overliving”? Is there even this sort of word to describe this sense of… perhaps fulfilling too much lust when it comes to doing all the things that you want to do, but paying a price for it by perhaps sacrificing the time ploughing through hardship to grow into a better person?

Its not like I’m complaining seriously… but something struck me when I met up with I, G, and WQ whom we’ve been friends since central band days… and the change I saw in them was extraordinary. I’m not sure why I didn’t bring this up when I had so many avenues and chances to tell hun about it… for some reason I was usually too pre-occupied or too tired after previous preoccupations that I just can’t seem to get these kind of deep stuff out of my system. But back to my friends, the 3 of them have matured in a manner that really moved me… and it wasn’t because they had more or less than me, but the behavior and mannerisms just really brought out an aura of mutual respect for them. Just by talking to them, knowing them for years, I sensed that we no longer talk about pointless gibberish and each topic contained that sort of substance, that whatever that was said actually mattered to us and influenced us and made us think about something. Which is truly extraordinary to me to a point that really moved me to appreciate where I was and what kind of man I should be growing into. There’s a lot to meaning in life as you get older… and these meanings continue to evolve and takes us to another level of maturity and understanding of the real world.

I’ve also began to feel this shift in my character… from someone who struggled to find exact and precise truths, to start to embrace and understand relativity and subjectivity. You start to become more comfortable with elements of ambiguity, not knowing what something is and admitting that you don’t know it, but having that common sense to know which questions to ask when looking for answers. I guess this is really something that comes with age, and knowing that no matter how bad you screw up, you will learn from it and grow.

I’ve also been cooking a lot more. Its really good reason to cook when hun’s around. She hardly says things to make me feel like should have done better… because I already know that, and she knows how to stroke my ego… and I usually execute the dishes pretty ok anyway. It really helps to practice cooking steaks and pastas over and over again. You become more aware of every step in making it, how much salt, how much oil, how much heat… it gives the opportunity to change here and there and tune tastes.

I’ve done so much these past months… tennis, pool tournaments, dishes, bbqs, video games, work, dating… I’m really pretty much living it. I just hope I don’t get sick of anything too soon… because its not in the doing, but the spirit of the act that keeps me going.